Turmoil

I'm afraid it might be time to shut it down. Shut all of it down.

Letting go of the idea of you, the idea of us, may well be the hardest thing I ever do, if I ever even manage it. I've been trying for so long already. But lately, I've found myself living in the fantasy too much. I started believing the lies I told myself about… you, how you feel, how we could be together. Even if it's true… even if you do feel the way that I've baselessly decided you do… It just isn't in the cards, is it? Your husband loves you. My wife loves me. Neither of us can bring ourselves to hurt them (hah, look at that… still fantasizing that this is even a problem for you…).

I've said it myself, the heart wants what it wants… And mine wants you so much. I've been ready to tear everything apart to make it happen. The last time we talked, the setting sun was hitting your eyes just so… and I've not been able to get that image out of my mind ever since. But I think I need to. Somehow. Force it out. Force myself to stop, to let go. I've already tried so hard… but I just can't keep doing this. Letting go hurts so much. Holding on hurts so much. There is no path from here that doesn't involve so much pain.

Thank god for my kids. I know I need to be here for them, and so I will be. But if it weren't for them…